Hi there,
Interest isn’t a riddle; it’s mirrored. If you’re doing most of the initiating, planning, or soothing, that’s not chemistry… it’s customer service. This week’s Tool gives you a fast read on reciprocity so you can stop auditioning and start observing.
Let’s get into it.
– Team Necterine
OVER-FUNCTIONING MEETS UNDER-AVAILABILITY
Why effort gets lopsided
Uneven effort usually starts with a mismatch of capacity and coping. One person manages anxiety by taking the wheel (plan, prompt, smooth). The other manages uncertainty by keeping things loose (warm vibes, few commitments). Add a little cultural scripting (“be easygoing,” “don’t be needy”), and the planner becomes the relationship’s unpaid project manager.
Early on, this looks like “I’m just being proactive.” A week later it’s a pattern: you hold the calendar; they hold the options. The meaning isn’t moral, it’s logistical: if simple coordination is heavy, complex care will be heavier. Score the behavior, not the hope.
THE TOOL
Reciprocity Radar
Run it after 2–3 interactions. Score each item 0–1.
Give 1 point for “yep, consistently,” 0.5 for “sometimes,” 0 for “nope.”
Initiation: They start conversations, not just reply.
Follow-through: If they suggest something, they actually schedule it.
Curiosity: They ask follow-ups and share back.
Time respect: They show up on time or communicate early.
Cadence: You’re not the sole engine of “hey/when are you free?”
Plan equity: You’re not the permanent event planner.
Emotional availability: They name feelings beyond “lol busy.”
Consistency: Same person on text and in person—no hot/cold whiplash.
Repair attempts: If there’s a wobble, they try to make it right.
Future orientation (early, light): “Let’s do X next week?” shows up without you dragging it out.
Tally
8–10 (Green): Energy is mirrored. Proceed at your natural pace.
5–7 (Yellow): Mixed signals. Slow the cadence and use the one clear prompt (below), then reassess.
0–4 (Red): You’re carrying it. Opt out with dignity.
When you’re in Yellow (or 48–72 hours pass post-date with no concrete plan) use the below prompt once; let the response be your data:
“Enjoyed hanging—want to pick a night next week? I’m free Wed/Thu after 6.”
If they confirm with a plan, great. If they waffle or vanish, that’s clarity. No second nudge. You’re not their PA.
WHY WE MISS THE MATH
Brains love slot machines and good stories
Intermittent attention feels special because it hits the same reward circuits as a jackpot; the next nice message lands and suddenly the whole shaky pattern looks “meant to be.”
We also mistake busy for inconsistent — but busy people reset expectations and keep them, while inconsistent people perform enthusiasm and outsource logistics. Finally, if you’re an over-functioner, doing more can feel like love when it’s actually labor. Holding this lens doesn’t make you cynical; it makes you accurate.
Who usually carries the early effort in your dating life?
A LAST WORD
You weren’t asking for too much—you were asking for mutual
If the radar read tough, take the win: information is mercy. You’re not high-maintenance for wanting reciprocity; you’re high-clarity. The right people won’t make you audition for basic care, they’ll meet you where you are and make it feel easy. Match what you’re given, protect what you’re building, and let mismatches exit early. That’s not losing hope; that’s how hope becomes trustworthy.
xoxo,
Team Necterine
P.S. Know someone who needs to run the radar? Forward this to their inbox.
Dating sucks, but it doesn’t have to.
Necterine is a next-generation connection app to help you cultivate relationships.
Our mission is to redefine connection by celebrating every interaction. We provide tools and experiences that empower our users to discover themselves through the spectrum of relationships, from fleeting encounters to lifelong partnerships.
