Hi you,
Today we’re talking about what’s actually killing dating right now — and it’s not a lack of options, effort, or even emotional intelligence (well, not entirely).
It’s the epidemic of pretending not to care.
We say this with love. If you’re playing it cool so you don’t get hurt… welcome. You’re not alone. You’re just tired. Of games, of guessing, of getting ghosted by someone who once said “you’re different.”
It’s not you. But it is the act. And it’s time to drop it.
Let’s get into it.
CHILL IS A SCAM, BABE
Stop Underplaying Yourself
Dating in 2025 looks like this:
Understating what you want so they won’t run
Overanalyzing what they want, never asking what you need
Making yourself smaller to seem more desirable
Why? Because we were told that showing care is “desperate.”
That expressing interest is a turn-off.
That going first means getting hurt.
So you play it cool. They play it cooler.
Nobody blinks. Nobody connects.
The number of people in relationships is declining.
Not because we’re less lovable — but because we’ve made vulnerability feel embarrassing.
We’re so busy trying to seem chill, no one knows how to be real.
This isn’t confidence. It’s disconnection.
What’s the biggest reason you’ve “played it cool” in the past?
EVERYBODY’S LONELY. FULL STOP.
The Slow-Motion Nervous Breakdown of Modern Dating
Welcome to modern dating, where everyone’s a little bit in love and a little bit pretending not to be.
We call it playing it cool. What it really is: a collective nervous breakdown in slow motion.
This week’s Modern Love column in the New York Times was a gut punch — not because it was one man’s story, but because it was dozens.
After the original essay asked “Where Have All the Men Gone?”, a flood of men wrote in — not to defend themselves, but to open up.
The responses were vulnerable. Frustrated. Thoughtful. Conflicted.
Some had stopped dating entirely. Others were trying harder than ever and still getting ghosted.
They talked about therapy. About fear. About how hard it is to balance being emotionally available and desirable in a culture that still punishes them for softness.
“We need an honest, nuanced conversation — one that recognizes that both men and women are navigating the uncertainties of intimacy in our time, both are capable of presence and absence, courage and hesitation”
These men weren’t asking to be let off the hook.
They were asking to be seen more clearly.
Because emotional labor has long fallen disproportionately on women and nonbinary folks.
But that doesn’t mean men aren’t hurting too.
Or that dating has been easy for them either.
We’re in a cultural moment where people want more — more clarity, more depth, more presence. But we haven’t built the emotional infrastructure to support it.
So what happens?
People retreat. Perform. Pretend.
They play chill instead of saying the thing.
They armor up instead of ask for what they need.
And let’s be real — the solution isn’t blaming each other.
It’s unlearning the performance together.
WHAT NOW?
Stop playing cool. Start being real.
Here’s how to start shifting the script — and make dating better for everyone:
Say the Thing
“I had a really good time.”
“I’m into you.”
“I’d love to see you again.”
Affirmation isn’t embarrassing. It’s hot.
Don’t Pre-Reject Yourself
Assuming they’ll flake or ghost before they do isn’t protection — it’s pre-abandonment in a cute outfit.
Lead With Standards, Not Scars
“I’m not looking for a situationship” > “Everyone I’ve dated has ruined my life.”
Clear ≠ scary.
Date With People, Not At Them
Ask: “How do you like to be communicated with?”
Share: “I feel safest when there’s effort on both sides.”
Set the tone for partnership, not performance.
Co-Create the Connection
Most people aren’t trying to be awful.
They’re just pulling from Reddit threads and failed talking stages.
Help each other upgrade.
This isn’t just for one group.
It’s for women, men, nonbinary folks.
Masculine energy, feminine energy, anxious babes, avoidant bros, and everyone in between.
How do you actually want someone to show they’re into you?
Before You Go...Let “chill” be the least sexy thing about you.
Playing it cool doesn’t protect you. It isolates you.
And it teaches the people you date to mirror disconnection, not depth.
Let’s be the generation that unlearns that.
Say what you mean.
Mean what you say.
And let “chill” be the least sexy thing about you.
We’re rooting for you.
xoxo,
Team Necterine
Dating sucks, but it doesn’t have to.
Necterine is a next-generation connection app to help you cultivate relationships.
Our mission is to redefine connection by celebrating every interaction. We provide tools and experiences that empower our users to discover themselves through the spectrum of relationships, from fleeting encounters to lifelong partnerships.
