Hi you,
Let’s start with a mildly uncomfortable question.
When was the last time dating felt… light?
Not promising.
Not productive.
Not “good on paper.”
Actually fun.
If your immediate reaction is a long sigh or a laugh that sounds a little haunted, you’re not alone. January has a way of pushing everyone back out there before they’ve fully recovered from whatever last year did to them. New year, same apps, same low-grade sense that you should be trying harder to want this.
So we want to interrupt that instinct for a second.
Let’s get into it.
– Team Necterine
THE CONTEXT
When did dating start feeling like a performance review?
Somewhere between the glow-ups, the boundaries discourse, and the endless advice about “doing the work,” dating picked up a strange moral weight. Every interaction started to feel like it had to justify itself. Teach you something. Lead somewhere. Prove you were evolving.
And listen — growth is great. We love growth. We are famously pro self-awareness.
But dating isn’t meant to feel like a series of unpaid emotional internships where the compensation is “character development.”
If it already feels heavy at the beginning, that’s not depth. That’s friction.
Which brings us to this week’s Tool.
THE TOOL
The Fun Check
After a date, a few days of talking, or a stretch of texting that’s starting to feel… like something, ask yourself this:
Is this actually fun?
Not impressive.
Not intriguing.
Not “I could see this becoming something if I squint.”
Fun.
Do you feel lighter afterward? More like yourself? Curious instead of contracted?
If the answer is no, you don’t need to fix the dynamic, over-intellectualize the vibe, or push through out of politeness. You can just let that information exist.
Fun is not frivolous.
It’s feedback.
WHY THIS MATTER
Early dating isn’t supposed to feel like work
This doesn’t mean dating has to be fireworks or rom-com banter every time. But early on, it should give you something: ease, laughter, a sense of presence.
When it doesn’t, people tend to compensate by trying harder. Being more patient. More understanding. More “open-minded.” And slowly, without realizing it, they start negotiating themselves down.
The Fun Check short-circuits that pattern.
If it’s not enjoyable now, it’s unlikely to become more so once expectations, logistics, and feelings enter the chat.
Be honest. Dating lately feels...
THE TAKEAWAY
You’re allowed to want pleasure, not just potential
Dating doesn’t need to be perfect. But it should feel alive.
If something isn’t fun, that doesn’t make you avoidant, shallow, or “bad at dating.” It makes you attentive. And attention, used well, saves you a lot of time.
Friendly reminder: pleasure is not the opposite of intention. It’s often how you find your way back to it.
We’re rooting for you.
xoxo,
Team Necterine
P.S. Know someone who could use this newsletter? Forward this to them.
Dating sucks, but it doesn’t have to.
Necterine is a next-generation connection app to help you cultivate relationships.
Our mission is to redefine connection by celebrating every interaction. We provide tools and experiences that empower our users to discover themselves through the spectrum of relationships, from fleeting encounters to lifelong partnerships.
