Hey you,

You know the line.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice…

Traditionally, this is about Santa deciding if someone deserves a toy.
Today, it’s about you deciding if someone deserves access.

Because “I’m just seeing where it goes” is not a strategy. And “they weren’t what I asked for, but they were nice” is how people end up negotiating their needs like they’re optional add-ons.

Let’s fix the list and make one that actually works.

Let’s get into it.

– Team Necterine

POV

Wanting “everything” isn’t the problem. Wanting nothing specific is.

Most people don’t have standards that are too high.
They have standards that are too vague.

So when someone shows up with decent banter, a tolerable attachment style, and one shared interest, the brain goes:
Close enough. Don’t overthink it.

Cue six weeks later: confusion, anxiety, and the familiar feeling of having abandoned yourself politely.

A real list isn’t about being rigid. It’s about being legible to yourself.

Which brings us to today’s tool.

THE TOOL

The “Check It Twice” List (aka: how to stop lying to yourself attractively)

You are making three lists. Not one. This is important.

1. The Non-Negotiables

If they don’t have these, it’s a no. Not a “maybe,” not a “we’ll see.” A no.

Ask:

  • What do I need to feel emotionally safe?

  • What values must we share?

  • What patterns am I no longer willing to tolerate?

Examples (borrow, don’t copy blindly):

  • Consistent communication

  • Kindness under stress

  • Actually wanting a relationship

  • Accountability without defensiveness

If it feels “harsh,” good. That’s clarity detoxing people-pleasing.

2. The Nice-to-Haves

These are bonuses, not requirements.

This is where:

  • hobbies

  • aesthetics

  • lifestyle preferences

  • shared humor
    live.

Be honest here. Lying to make yourself sound chill only hurts you later.

3. The Fantasy Traps

Things you historically chase that feel exciting but cost you peace.

This list requires humility.

Ask:

  • Who do I keep picking even though it never works?

  • What do I confuse with chemistry?

  • What do I tolerate when I’m lonely that I resent when I’m regulated?

Examples:

  • Emotionally unavailable charmers

  • “Potential”

  • People who make you feel chosen but not considered

This list isn’t about shame.
It’s about pattern recognition.

HOW TO USE IT (IMPORTANT)

Before a second or third date, do a quiet check-in:

  • Do they meet the non-negotiables?

  • Am I promoting a nice-to-have into a requirement because I like the attention?

  • Is this activating a fantasy trap I already named?

If the answer makes you uncomfortable, that’s information—not a sign you’re being “too much.”

THE REFRAME

You’re not asking for too much. You’re asking too late.

A good list doesn’t make dating boring.
It makes it cleaner.

Less spiraling.
Less self-betrayal dressed up as being open-minded.
More peace. More agency. More actual compatibility.

Naughty or nice isn’t the question.
Clear or confused is.

xoxo,

Team Necterine

P.S. Know someone who could use this newsletter? Forward this to them.

Dating sucks, but it doesn’t have to.

Necterine is a next-generation connection app to help you cultivate relationships.

Our mission is to redefine connection by celebrating every interaction. We provide tools and experiences that empower our users to discover themselves through the spectrum of relationships, from fleeting encounters to lifelong partnerships.

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