Well hello there,
This one might sting a little. Consider that a sign you’re paying attention.
If dating lately has you feeling tired in a very specific way — like you’re doing a lot of emotional interpreting, translating, or future-casting — we should probably name what’s happening.
Because there’s a difference between being patient… and being in charge of someone else’s growth.
Let’s get into it.
– Team Necterine
THE CONTEXT
When connection quietly turns into management
It usually starts innocently. You like them. You see their good parts. You understand where they’re coming from. You give them the benefit of the doubt. Again. And again.
Soon, you’re explaining their behavior to yourself. Coaching their communication. Mentally filling in gaps they haven’t addressed. Telling your friends, “They’re not bad, they just need time.”
That’s not depth.
That’s labor.
And while effort is part of any real relationship, effort is not meant to be one-sided, especially not this early.
THE TOOL
The “Not A Project” Rule
Here it is, clean and simple:
If you’re explaining them, they’re a project.
And you’re allowed to opt out.
This doesn’t mean people need to be perfect, healed, or fully figured out. It means they need to be capable of meeting you where you are without you doing the scaffolding.
You don’t need to coach someone into consistency.
You don’t need to translate your needs into something more palatable.
You don’t need to wait for someone to catch up to the version of the relationship you’re already in.
The move isn’t confrontation or ghosting.
It’s stepping back and letting behavior speak for itself.
WHY THIS WORKS
Potential is not a relationship
We repeat: Potential is NOT a relationship. A lot of people stay stuck because they confuse understanding with compatibility. Because they mistake empathy for alignment. Because they believe that if they just explain things clearly enough, show up gently enough, love hard enough, the connection will finally stabilize.
But relationships don’t become mutual through effort alone. They become mutual through shared capacity.
If someone can’t meet you without instructions, that’s not a temporary issue. That’s information.
When did you realize you were doing too much?
THE TAKEAWAY
You don’t need to manage your way into love
The goal of dating isn’t to prove how understanding, flexible, or emotionally skilled you are. It’s to find someone who can meet you without needing a syllabus.
Connection is a two-way street.
If you’re the only one showing up with directions and emotional snacks, it’s not a partnership. It’s a detour.
You’re allowed to want ease.
You’re allowed to expect reciprocity.
You’re allowed to stop turning other people’s limitations into your responsibility.
That’s not being harsh.
That’s being honest.
We’re rooting for you.
xoxo,
Team Necterine
P.S. Know someone who could use this newsletter? Forward this to them.
Dating sucks, but it doesn’t have to.
Necterine is a next-generation connection app to help you cultivate relationships.
Our mission is to redefine connection by celebrating every interaction. We provide tools and experiences that empower our users to discover themselves through the spectrum of relationships, from fleeting encounters to lifelong partnerships.
