Well hi there,
By now, you’ve probably heard about the Tea App breach. An app built to help women “date safer” by reviewing the men they’ve gone out with — only to have tens of thousands of those women’s personal data exposed after users on 4chan organized a mass leak, targeting them with doxxing, cruelty, and threats.
But the most terrifying part of the story isn’t the hack.
It’s that this was always going to happen.
Because when safety is built on shame, fear, and public callouts — it doesn’t create trust. It creates retaliation.
Let’s get into it.
– Team Necterine
SPILL IT
The breach was a disaster. But the app was already a red flag.
We believe women. We advocate for safety.
We’re female-founded, female-owned, and these words you’re reading?
They’re written by a woman who’s been on the receiving end of exactly the kind of behavior Tea was created to flag.
But here’s the thing:
We never believed in Tea.
Not because the intention was bad — it wasn’t.
But because the method was.
Rating people is not safety.
Crowdsourcing gossip is not clarity.
An app that encourages women to publicly flag men as “unsafe” with no context or process? That’s not empowerment. That’s a powder keg.
And this week, it blew up.
ACCOUNTABILITY ≠ PUBLIC HUMILIATION
When safety becomes surveillance
There’s a difference between protecting yourself and policing someone else.
Tea offered a way to review men anonymously — not just serious red flags, but petty complaints, gossip, and vague “vibes.” The promise was safety. The result was spectacle.
It blurred the line between accountability and public humiliation. And when you remove due process, context, or any chance to grow, what you’re left with isn’t empowerment — it’s chaos.
As The Atlantic put it:
“It’s a sad approximation of what I think many really want: not strangers trashing other strangers online, but a return to a time when dating didn’t feel quite so lonely.”
That’s the part that really stuck with us.
Because if connection is what we’re craving, then shame and surveillance won’t get us there.
And safety isn’t about crowd-sourced character scores. It’s about building emotional skills: trusting your gut, spotting bad behavior early, having language for your boundaries, and the confidence to walk away when something feels off.
THE REAL TEA
Here’s the part no one’s really saying:
Tea was built by a man. One whose intentions may have been good — but who built a product that asked women to do the emotional labor of staying safe, while leaving them wildly unprotected.
It’s another reminder: the problem won’t be solved by more male-led tech fixes. Especially not the ones that recreate the same power imbalances we’re trying to escape.
Necterine is female-founded and female-owned.
We don’t believe safety is something you outsource — we believe it’s something you grow.
That’s why we’re building real tools to help you trust your gut, name what feels off, and take action.
Not just scroll through strangers’ warnings.
Because you don’t need a rating to know what’s wrong.
You just need support to trust what’s right — and we’re here to help you do exactly that.
So that even when someone’s behavior is confusing, messy, or manipulative, you still feel grounded. Clear. Safe.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE MOMENT?
If something feels off, but you're not sure if you're overreacting, start here.
This is for the moment when your gut whispers, “This doesn’t feel right.”
When you catch them lying about something small.
When you feel unsafe, but can’t explain why.
When your nervous system spikes, and your brain tries to logic its way out of it.
When you're tempted to Google them… or post about them.
Start here instead:
Pause and check in with your body. Are you holding your breath? Is your stomach tight? Your body knows.
Name it to yourself. Even silently. “I feel off because ____.” Just getting honest helps you decide what comes next.
Ask for clarity. (“Hey, something’s not sitting right — can I ask you about ___?”) You’re not accusing. You’re gathering more data.
Protect your peace. You don’t need to call them out publicly to keep yourself safe. You can leave. You can block. You can say “this isn’t working for me.”
Tell someone you trust. Not for gossip. For support. To validate your experience and remind you you’re not alone.
This is how we hold people accountable without making it a spectacle.
This is how we stay safe without turning dating into a culture war.
And this is how we break the cycle — by trusting our own clarity more than anyone else’s review.
How safe do you feel in modern dating right now?
SHE’S BACK
TINY GUIDE TO BEING HUMAN
Some friendly reminders for ya this week…
You don’t have to rate someone to know they’re not right for you
Your standards aren’t “too much.” They’re boundaries.
There’s no such thing as “objectivity” in dating — but there is alignment
You can want love without wanting war
Safety is built — not broadcast
The goal isn’t to catch bad people. It’s to stay close to yourself.
Before you go...
You don’t need a database to know what’s off.
You need support to trust what’s right.
Safety starts with self-trust — and connection gets better from there.
You’ve got this. We’re rooting for you.
xoxo,
Team Necterine
Dating sucks, but it doesn’t have to.
Necterine is a next-generation connection app to help you cultivate relationships.
Our mission is to redefine connection by celebrating every interaction. We provide tools and experiences that empower our users to discover themselves through the spectrum of relationships, from fleeting encounters to lifelong partnerships.
